


To Come Home, To Be Brave

by athenaeums



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Gay Relationship, Gay Male Character, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 18:05:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14478249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/athenaeums/pseuds/athenaeums
Summary: A journey through Bram's crush on Simon.-The minute he presses 'Post' he wants to die. It’s out there. The first time he’s said it to anyone and now he’s announced it to the whole school. Sure, he used a pseudonym. But it’s out there. Someone in the world knows that there’s a boy sitting in his room anguished and isolated but also not, tearing chunks out of himself, that is gay. And Bram doesn’t really know what to do with that now it’s there.





	To Come Home, To Be Brave

**Author's Note:**

> Canon-compliant for both book and film. Title from 'Wild Heart' by Bleachers - of course :)

It’s his first day at Creekwood High School and he knows he’s in trouble. He’s stood in the hall watching a guy shuffle through his bag and locker across the way, flanked by a guy telling a funny story and a girl rolling her eyes.

“Simon, c’mon!” the guy to his left insists. “It’s hilarious, tell her!”

“Leah, it’s hilarious,” Simon responds, deadpan.

“If only you’d said in the first place, Nick,” Leah rolls her eyes once more and Bram can feel her sarcasm hit him in the back.

His heart is racing and he’s determined to pull his eyes back to his own locker, but he just can’t.

He’s absolutely in trouble.

-

The first day Garrett brings him to his lunch table, he instantly feels sick. His heart has plummeted into his stomach and he’s not sure he can do this. Simon is grinning up at him over the sound of “Guys, this is Bram” as he’s passed around like a treat, a new toy. He hovers somewhere near the end of the table while Nick explains “he’s on the soccer team” but when Simon looks back at him once more, almost appraising, he hastily sits down in the space next to him before his knees give out.

How is he going to do this every time they have lunch? He can feel Simon’s arm brushing his as he continues whatever conversation he was having before and Bram is pretty sure he’s on fire, he’s burning up under his clothes. He wants to tear his sleeve off and let his skin press gently against Simon’s hoodie. He wants to do so many things. But instead he sits still, he eats quietly and when Simon offers him some fries he dares to throw a smile back at him.

Later, when Garrett catches up with him on the way out of the hall, he asks why Bram hadn’t been his usual talkative self. Bram hopes, more than anything he’s ever wanted before, that Garrett accepts his “I was just overwhelmed with meeting everyone” excuse.

-

The first time Bram spots Simon in the bleachers his foot flies over the ball and the opposition take it from him with minimal effort.

“C’mon, Bram!” Nick yells from across the field.

For the rest of the game, he’s off-kilter. He barely remembers the rules, he can’t find his own teammates and with twenty minutes left to go, he’s substituted off the field and replaced with someone that probably hasn’t lost a serious chunk of their cognitive function over a boy sitting in the stands.

He chances a look up at Simon and jumps when he notices that he’s already looking at him. Simon gives him a “what can you do” shrug which Bram feels compelled to return, accompanied by his warmest smile. Simon gives him a thumbs up and Bram has to turn back because he can’t look at him anymore. It might be the most communication they’ve had since the day they met.

-

Bram has never really questioned the fact that he likes boys. He has always known that the words he hears in the locker room, the debates he hears on the television, the discrimination he sees in politics all belong to him. He knows that he’s gay. But he’s always struggled to say it aloud.

When Abby starts at Creekwood High School he tries to like her. He watches Nick’s eyes turn to perfectly formed hearts the day that she joins them for lunch and he wonders if his eyes did that the first time Simon smiled at him. He looks at Abby and tries to understand what Nick is so enamoured with – she is a delightful girl. She’s charming and beautiful and funny and witty… but as he looks at the curves of her body, as he watches her walk to the line to get a drink, sees her bat her eyelashes at Nick, he knows he feels absolutely nothing. He admires her, but he’s not remotely attracted to her.

He watches Simon across the lunch table when Abby sits down, and he feels a thrill down his spine to note that Simon’s eyes remain perfectly shaped, perfectly fixed upon his food and perfectly not checking Abby out at all. He dares to hope for a moment, but he swallows it down when Leah rests her head on Simon’s shoulder and he kisses the top of her head.

-

The minute he presses _Post_ he wants to die. It’s out there. The first time he’s said it to anyone and now he’s announced it to the whole school. Sure, he used a pseudonym. But it’s out there. Someone in the world knows that there’s a boy sitting in his room anguished and isolated but also not, tearing chunks out of himself, that is gay.

And Bram doesn’t really know what to do with that now it’s there.

-

He sees the email address and for a split second he thinks of Simon. Within another split second he’s taught himself not to be ridiculous. He sends an email and wonders if this is a set-up, an elaborate ploy to find him out and expose him to the school. He thinks that maybe it would be easier if someone else would just say it. If someone else could see the looks on his friends’ faces as they walk away from him. If someone else could tell Simon that it’s okay, it doesn’t mean that Bram is going to pounce on him or anything – he just really sort-of loves him. And when he thinks of his distant moon-grey eyes in the lunch hall, he wonders if that’s what Simon needs to hear.

-

He’s staring at Simon where he stumbles in Bram’s living room, drunk and dressed like John Lennon. He thinks of Jacques and it feels a little like cheating – but is it, if Simon was there first? He’s noticed that Simon has been spending a lot of time near him tonight, that in every corner of the room, there he is. But Bram can’t bring himself to hope anymore. It’s been long enough.

But he still invites Simon to drink with him, to play against Abby and Martin. He still feels his heart hammering out of his chest as he reaches up to gently remove Simon’s glasses and prays that he can’t feel the palpitations through the flimsy frames. He still desperately wants to lean up and just kiss him. He settles for karaoke instead, but Simon keeps grabbing his arm, his waist, his shirt to stay upright and performing their horribly imperfect choreography. So, Bram has to walk away.

He hides in his room for a second before she walks in and invites herself to his lap. He doesn’t push her away. Isn’t it a good idea to find out, really? He’s never kissed a girl, what if he’s been mistaken this whole time… but the second her drunk lips press against his he knows it’s wrong. He sees Simon in the doorway, but he’s gone before Bram can even begin to explain himself – and then remind himself that he doesn’t have to. Because the hurt and heartbroken look on Simon’s face means nothing – right? He was just drunk. Right?

-

He hears from Garrett the next day that Simon was hilarious – wandering through the rooms talking to himself in rhymes – “Hey Barack, it’s me: Jacques” – and man, he’s going to have a hell of a hangover today. Bram thinks of the sentence fragments in the emails, the music recommendations, Oreo addiction and every single smile he’s catalogued in his brain since the day they met. And his heart sings.

-

It’s been a week since Simon has smiled at him and a week more before Bram dares to ask for fries off his lunch tray again. Bram is deflating. Jacques might be Simon and Simon might be Jacques but Bram doesn’t know how to move this forward, to bring the relationship he’s been living in his head to reality.

“Greenfeld,” Garrett asks, loudly. “What’s going on up there?”

Bram opens his mouth to answer with some witty response, something in the bro-language he’s mastered. But he chances a glance in Simon’s direction and he knows his eyes are burning into him and he just can’t.

“Nothing,” Bram forces a smile and continues to pick at his food. Out of the corner of his eye he spots Simon’s tray offered to him gently. Simon is on the other end with a warm smile, a tiny twinkle in his eye but nothing more. Bram will absolutely take it.

-

 _You’re going to find out who I am_. Bram reads that sentence over and over before he returns to school and even then he can’t get the guilt out of his head. _I already know who you are, Simon_ , he thinks to himself. But he deletes the email account because it’s all getting a little too close. He once thought that it would he easier to be outed, to have someone else tell everyone the news, but he sees the dark circles under Simon’s eyes, his friends abandon him and the bullies in the lunch hall… and he just can’t.

But he does love him. He loves him so much, no matter if Simon thinks he’s Cal or Lyle or any of the other stupid options Simon has considered. He’s just down the hall when Simon asks Cal if it was him and he thinks he can actually hear his heart breaking. But he still loves him.

-

Bram is sick three times before Garrett picks him up for the carnival. He makes Garrett pull over twice before they get there too.

“Bram, what’s going on?” Garrett asks quietly when they park up. Neither of them makes any attempt to move. Bram can see the ferris wheel towering over everything and he reaches for the door handle in case he needs to be sick again.

“I think I ate something that was off,” he tries, but he sounds entirely unconvincing to himself, let alone Garrett.

“Bullshit,” Garrett says, sternly. “You don’t have to tell me but it might help and I’m willing to listen. You’re my best friend and I’m here for you, okay?”

Bram can only nod, but they still don’t go anywhere. He wonders if it’s because his eyes are now filling with tears. He looks up straight into the bright glittering lights. It’s too far to see from where they are but Bram does wonder if the blur he can see somewhere near the top is Simon.

The problem with a ferris wheel is that it can be seen from everywhere, Bram thinks.

“The guy Simon has been emailing,” Bram starts. “The one he’s waiting for tonight?”

“Yep,” Garrett says.

“It’s me,” it comes out as a whisper.

“What?”

So, Bram braces himself. This is where the school finds out. This is where he loses his best friend. Turns out that Garrett would only be there to a certain point – he’d pushed him too far.

“You mean you’ve left him on that wheel this whole time?” Bram almost pulls a muscle with how quick he turns his head to stare at Garrett. “Bram, it’s almost eight-thirty! He’s been up there since five!”

“It’s not just about Simon, is it?” Bram decides to go with it. He feels his stomach churn once more with the reminder that he thought Garrett would ever be the type to out him. His heart and his head are pounding, though. The dull thud in his brain, beating above his eyebrow, persistent and unwavering like it had been for weeks now. He wonders if Simon might be the cure. “If I go to him, if I tell him, everyone else will see.”

“Right,” Garrett sighs, finally realising. “You’re worried about what people will say?”

“I guess,” Bram mumbles.

“Because I won’t let them say a thing,” Garrett is defiant, and Bram feels a small flutter in his heart. “I’m still your best friend, Nick and Leah and Abby are still your friends.”

Bram nods, willing his eyes to just stop. Willing his head to stop. Willing his heart to go back to normal.

“Plus,” Garrett grins and elbows Bram gently. “You’ll definitely have Simon.”

Bram rolls his eyes and laughs a little. “I don’t know about that,” he says quietly. “He might be disappointed that it’s me.”

“Seriously? With the way that he looks at you? Please, Bram,” Garrett laughs and finally leaves the car. Bram scrambles after him, heart in his mouth and legs barely carrying him, demanding to know what he means but Garrett flips him off and runs to the carnival with a joyous shout. “Let’s go get him!”

-

Bram holds his breath as Martin Addison runs to the wheel. By the time he feels Garrett’s gentle nudge in his back he finally exhales and thinks he might pass out. How can he do this? Simon’s friends are cheering, the theater kids are cheering, everyone is so happy and willing Simon on… but will they cheer him on? Is Bram the one they want for Simon? It’s become less about Simon and Bram, Jacques and Blue, and now it’s a spectacle.

“Dude,” Garrett hisses in his ear as Martin shoves money at the ride operator and Simon shoos him away. “Now.”

Bram takes a step forward, but his legs don’t feel like his own. They’re carrying him towards Simon but he’s not in control. His head is warring with his body but when he opens his eyes and looks up, Simon is staring at him and it’s good. It feels good and right and like he’s exactly where he’s supposed to be.

“I’m waiting for someone,” Simon says, unsure.

“I know,” Bram says with a smile, wondering if this whole time Simon has been hoping too. He takes a seat before Simon can argue. And when Simon kisses him, Bram’s body sparks back to life and every cell tingles with joy.

-

Ten minutes later after a go around the ferris wheel, a hug from Garrett, a kiss on the cheek from Abby, a clap on the back from Nick and a smile from Leah, he feels Simon’s hand in his tugging him away and so he goes.

He’s sitting in Simon’s car with Simon’s hand on his face, his lips on his lips and a grip on Simon’s thigh that he never, ever thought he would get to have.

“Are you sure you’re not disappointed?” Bram asks when Simon finally pulls away to breathe. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want it to be me, we can call it quits now and -”

“Bram?” Simon says, barely above a whisper, and Bram feels it everywhere. “I am so beyond happy that you’re Blue. How many times do I have to tell you? Tell me and I’ll do it.”

Bram laughs and reaches for Simon’s hand. “No, it’s okay. I believe you.”

“Are you disappointed that it’s me? I know you’ve known for a while now but is that why you were late tonight?” Simon asks, showing the first signs of fragility since they got off the wheel and Bram just wants to hold him close forever.

“No!” Bram is quick and insistent. The pounding has ceased in his head but the knowledge that Simon has been worrying about this sits heavy in his stomach instead. His skin itches, he squeezes Simon’s hand. “You’re perfect! You being Jacques is just… perfect.”

Simon smiles shyly and feeling compelled by a confidence Bram didn’t know he possessed, he lifted Simon’s chin and placed a gentle kiss on his lips to solidify his point.

“I’ve sort-of had a crush on you for the longest time,” Simon admits with a quiet laugh. “I think pretty much since the day Garrett introduced you.”

There’s a slight blush across Simon’s cheeks and Bram wants to kiss all over it.

“Well then I win,” Bram grins. “Because I was gone the moment I saw you – on my first day of school.”

“No way!” Simon exclaims and launches himself at Bram. Bram wonders if Simon knows that he smells amazing, he tastes like heaven, that he’s the embodiment of perfection. Simon pulls back and rests his head gently against Bram’s for a moment. “At the party, I really thought you were Blue. I was coming to tell you when I saw you with that girl.”

“Oh my god,” is all Bram can offer. “I hate that you saw that.”

“No! It’s fine,” Simon says, opening his eyes and sitting back. “I was so desperate to know who you were, but I don’t think I really thought about what it would mean – I wasn’t ready then. I’m more than ready now.”

“Me too,” Bram agrees.

“Are you sure?” Simon asks.

Bram thinks Simon deserves the world. But for the first time, Bram thinks he deserves Simon. He feels like he’s woken up from a coma, from a long stretch absent from reality and Simon is the one to pull him out. His heart is glowing and humming gently in his chest, his stomach feels light and free, his body is fully within his control. It’s the best he’s ever felt, and he gets to share that with Simon. And he loves him.

“Yes,” Bram nods. “I’m sure.”

He’ll tell him that later.

-

Summer is laying on blankets in Simon’s backyard exchanging kisses and smelling of sunblock, dripping ice-cream everywhere and relishing in walking Bieber to the coffee shop. Summer is riding shotgun in Simon’s car as they head out on “one last adventure” almost every week before college starts. Summer is holding Simon’s hand as Leah drives away, rubbing his hand up Simon’s back as Abby and Nick leave. Summer is Simon holding him close in his bed the day Garrett heads off to college early. Summer is learning Simon’s body and in turn, learning his own. Summer is clinging onto the hours their parents are at work, the days Simon’s family go out without him, the days when they have nothing but time and heat and love and want. Summer is falling in more and more in love with Simon, letting his heart sing and shout and flutter every time he is near. Summer is drowning in the happiness Bram never thought he deserved or would get to have.

They’re laying on Simon’s bed, above the covers with the door closed. Simon has the window open and a single fan blowing stale but comforting air onto their skin. But they don’t move away.

“Simon?” Bram asks, pressing a small kiss to Simon’s chest.

“Mmm?” Simon mumbles back, turning his head to look at Bram’s eyes.

He thought this moment would be nerve-wracking. He thought his body would be tense and terrified. He never imagined feeling the greatest comfort, the greatest ease within himself, complete relaxation. He stares into moon-grey eyes and at lips just slightly kiss-swollen. He brushes his hand across Simon’s neck and over the hint of a bruise that Bram had left there last week.

“I love you,” he says, matter of fact.

Simon grins and presses his lips to Bram’s in a gentle, warm kiss.

“I love you too,” he says.

And Bram knows he’s in trouble. He’s absolutely in trouble for the rest of his life with this boy.


End file.
